The Setup

Back in 2004, a good friend of mine asked me if I would build a computer to give to his mother back home in Ohio as a Christmas present. So, I put a nice desktop together for her. When he gave it to her, she was thrilled.

But that’s just the beginning of the story.

About a week later, I received the most horrific voice message ever left to me. It was from my friend’s mother. She was with her daughter, and both of them wanted to know, in no uncertain terms, why I had dared to put porn in the download folder of the new computer. They were, shall we say, considerably less than pleased.

So here I was with two incredibly angry women making me feel like dirt for something I hadn’t done. I had no idea what was going on. The one thing I did know is that “straight porn” and “me” in the same sentence is ridiculous.

Thankfully, my friend got on the phone with his mother explained that there was no way I would’ve done that. And, with a little bit of investigation, he discovered what happened.

You should be gardening

You see, his mother kept the desktop in her kitchen, and one afternoon she went out shopping. The gardener came in for a drink of water. He saw the brand, new computer and was suddenly thirsty for more than Poland Spring. So, he decided to stream a couple of porn movies on his downtime between pruning the magnolias. Unfortunately, he was not aware that they were also being downloaded into her download folder.

Finished drinking…

When he finished…uh… drinking, he just closed the browser and thought nothing of it. But of course, when mom came home, she decided to explore all the folders on her new computer. And, when she went to the download folder, she was swept away by a tsunami of boy/girl boinking.

When mother and daughter were given a reality check, they felt horrible. But the damage had already been done. They had already left me the most horrific message you could ever imagine, resulting in many years after that of joking, ribbing and teasing from their entire family.

My Worst-Ever Voice Mail Message The Musical

Now let’s fast-forward to 2017. I had forgotten entirely about this voice message. But my friend had not. He kept a digital copy of the recording, and to my surprise, he gave me a special birthday present. My friend just happens to be an executive producer for a well-known reality TV series, and he gave this infamous voice message file to one of his audio guys who set it to music.

Ladies and Gentlemen

May I proudly present:

My Worst-Ever Voice Mail Message: The Musical

The best part of it all was that, after they ripped me a new one in the message, mother and daughter had the chutzpah to ask me to call them back because they were having trouble opening some other word files. I breathed heavily into the phone when I did.


Okay, I admit it. I stuck this one in just to add a bit of humor in what would have been a completely intolerable dark section of my website.